The Legend of Princess – FAQ: #1: How to find the “Dirt Temple”? – Well you see, back when I was in high school… 1/589

princess legend

“The Legend of Princess” is supposed to be a parody game of a [certain] series, by Joakim Sandberg. The joke about it lies in the overall fact that nowadays you can take on a product that was shoved into people’s mouths for decades by a “really” important company, but make it way better in many aspects. Sometimes you’ve gotta watch it though, as a certain results may exceed the quality of the original product, leading to what we call a “Lonely Barbeque Party”. You should know when to turn the volume down, less you want to grab the attention of your whiny and jealous neighbours, who would call the police on your ass instantly! You don’t want that to happen, do you? DO YOU?

“The Legend of Princess” is quite the take when it comes to the platforming genre of said [certain] parodied series. It’s colorful and graphically pretty impressive, well animated and fairly entertaining for how short in terms of length it is. While you do get to explore only the classic “Dirt Temple” which is composed merely of a several rooms, the whole short experience is way worth your time. What with the responsive controls and being able to customize your equipment before the start of the game, with items varying from boring to awkward to use, this game really holds it up! The puzzles and the platforming sections felt pretty basic and a bit unsatisfying, but the boss battles really managed to fill up the holes. A mixture of puzzle and a drop of action, packed with a hue of pretty. That’s this game in a nutshell!

Legend of Princess DONE!

I mean, if you are a fan of [those] series, you are bound to have some good times, given how close this game parody tries to stay to the original, what with the characters, items and whatnot. Whether you decide to play it for some casual fun, high score or for the intention of an UNIQUE speedrun, 20 to 30 minutes of your life would be spent worthwhile. Hell, you might even want to play through the game with all the different item combinations! Short games with a decent variety, now that’s my JAM!

I personally give this an 8 out of 10!

1213 – Out of This Space Station

1213

As one of Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw’s takes on cinematic platformers, “1213” turns out as a fairly rough product, with few innovative ideas here and there. I was honestly impressed when I learned that he made the game using “Adventure Game Studio” of all things! Though I have played “1213” a long time ago, I remember reaching the boss in the first episode only, wherein I gave up on fighting him, since I had way too much trouble figuring out his pattern. [Somehow.]

I don’t have a rich history on dealing with cinematic platformers. My first experience with them was in middle school when I was introduced to the first two “Oddworld” games, which I really, really loved and played through a bunch’a times. Later, in high school, I stumbled upon “Out of This World” on the SNES which… I didn’t really like. I played a bit of it and honestly, I was not enjoying myself after a dozen of deaths, nor did I had the desire to go on. After that I learned about many other titles from the genre, like “Flashback”, “Heart of Darkness”, “Blackthorne”, “Banana Prince” . ect…/

BUT…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…what makes “1213” so special than other titles from the same genre, other than the engine used for its creation? To be fair, nothing in terms of graphics or animations. They are still quite good for a one man developer army though. In “1213” you take the role of a mutant-person who is under a series of experiments, what with drug testing and going through daily physical obstacles of gym nightmare. fat Pete’s hell across the hotdog stand routine. There is also an “ambitious” scientist guy who hates you and cares about you at the same time, all in all mixed in a juice of drama, a teacher-lady, evil mutants and it’s all on a space station, above our beloved and completely obliterated of any life, planet EARTH! /spoilers:spoilers/ The overall plot in the game is pretty involved and interesting to follow and the characters are pretty likeable. The overall course of the game is mainly finding item X and bringing it to place Y, all and all while dealing with enemies by shooting them with your 50/50 [?] hit or miss gun. But isn’t that the main formula in all those cinematic platformers? NO! You get to do even more things in other similar titles, like saving hostages and throwing bombs and…and… fltintg]?????? with a racoon suit. In “Escape from Monkey Island” you even get to talk to pirates who are really good at darts at the SCUMM BAR, so there’s that as well!

1213- Episode 1 DONE!

The bosses in the game are pretty impressive and fun to fight, aren’t they? I’m a bit disappointed by the last one, which is pure platforming and pressing buttons. Unlike the actual levels, there is a fair amount of challenge to the bosses, which I really liked. I find the healing system in the game to be pretty interesting and unique as well. I am a big fan of showers, I shower every day or two, sometimes I don’t leave the shower for a week and AS in the game, I feel healthier and refreshed with every single shower session.

“1213” is your “GO” choice if you are looking for some mediocre cinematic platforming ACTION! Plot-wise, you are in for a good ride, A RIDE TO HELL CANDY;LAND THAT’S IT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

End score: 1213 out of 10.

Dragon Bride – A fan-made title that takes on the idea of “What if “Dragon Quest” was a bride?:

dragonsold

When it comes to “Dragon Quest” related material, all I know about the series is that it consists of various RPGs, all adored by Japanese peeps, due to the usual VIDEO GAME CHILDHOOD IMPACT! I don’t know anything else about the games though. Apart from visual recognition, if I were to be asked to explain plot, characters or specific gameplay part, I would probably come with an excuse to go out and buy some milk.

“Dragon Bride” is a fan-made production title that puts the series into the light of pornography. Despite being of Japanese origin, the game does also come with a horrible English translation, which adds both to a bit of humor and disappointment. Given my lackluster knowledge on the “Dragon Quest” series, I can’t really provide a good explanation about the plot, but as a whole, as I have seen it, it’s about the Hero being tricked by some Dragon-wizard lady into a deal, which separates the world in half, wherein each part gets populated by a fraction of one gender only. The Hero is send to the part where only males exist and the Dragon-wizard lady remains in the part where only females are. A problem regarding reproduction arises, so the Dragon-wizard lady uses magic to grow a penis, planning to potentially deal with that problem by herself. There’s your plot setting for the whole game! You also have to capture a princess that managed to escape your clutches or something, but you don’t get to do anything to her, regardless. [Unless you have the GLASSES item equipped, which lets you see her naked towards the end of the game!]

Dragon Bride 1.1 DONE!

As the game puts you into the shoes of the Dragon-wizard lady, you get to travel through various stages, each consisting of certain number of small areas filled with enemies. You can fight at close range with your weapon or you can shuffle through various spells and cast them instead. While you can unleash some hell on your enemies, inflicting a specific amount of damage can also stun them, which lets you have some “sexy” time with your victims. The whole procedure is composed of a slider that you can adjust for how slow or fast do you wish the scene to proceed, all in all while dealing with a randomized time limit. Quite exciting indeed, especially if you are into not doing much. I am quite the fan of that regarding certain circumstances!

The game is not all that difficult, but there are some annoying parts. However, they can be passed quite easily if you abuse the not-so great enemy A.I. and the items/upgrades you can purchase from the shop. A player might find themselves replaying a level or two just so they can purchase everything from the shop, but to be fair, it doesn’t feel all that rewarding, really. You can obtain the best gear fairly fast, which makes the lower tier fairly useless, apart from a cosmetic usage. Speaking of that, the game has quite the notch on that, as it even comes with the option of not only customizing the main character, but the other generic enemies in the erotic scenes as well. [Unique bosses cannot be customized, sadly!]

In conclusion, I wouldn’t say that I enjoyed the game all that much. The overall gameplay mechanic felt pretty boring, all in all with the fairly unsatisfying scenes. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, but in the end, this is a good title for a single afternoon blast off or two. Whatever you prefer. Whatever… 4.7 out of 10.

Warcraft Adventures: Lord of the Clans – Special, late birthday edition!

Gazlowe

The thing about getting older is that each new birthday gets better and better – There is less to no cake and only few people remember it! That is, after you “gently” remind them with a leaking bucket, full of sarcasm regarding your age, flying towards their faces. Twenty- Five is by all means the age where you are supposed to get all serious about video games, since as we all know, they are a key element for a successful future where you get all the money and sex in the UNIVERSE! With “Warcraft Adventures: Lord of the Clans”, I’ll be starting the new volume [Gran _-‘D], which will cover lots of different titles, with an aim towards the more popular once, all and all with the ultimate goal of having it as a home place for the 1000- 1001 title!

Anyways, on to the actual “Warcraft Adventures: Lord of the Clans” content…

My first introduction to this game happened at a friend’s place, when we booted a “StarCraft” CD. [CD stands for COMPACT DISK!] There was a trailer on it for the game, which was represented by a fairly intriguing animation movie. Me and my friend were quite curious about all the unknown characters and moreover, we were wondering about what the actual gameplay is like. At that point, we’ve seen all the games from the “Warcraft” series, apart from this one. Thus, to make things easier on our minds, we just assumed that its just another RTS. At that time, our biggest priority was to just play and have good time with “StarCraft”, really! Still, from that day on, that animated trailer got stuck into my head. For more than a decade, I’ve remembered the lines and scenes from it. Finally, not a long while ago, I’ve seen a person mentioning the game and I got answers to all my questions from the past. “Warcraft Adventures: Lord of the Clans” was a cancelled adventure game! My excitement was all over the place, by which I mean that I ate a pork chop.

WALotC DON!

Luckily, at that time, someone was also kind enough to leak the game itself. In less than thirty minutes, I’ve managed to get my hands on it, fix a thing or two to make it easier for a screen capture and there I am watching and listening to every single bit of it in anticipation.

I would say, the animation in the game feels a bit quirky. I was quite surprised, but also happy to see various characters that I’ve seen only in “Warcraft III”, like Thrall, Gazlowe, Drek’Thar,  Nazgrel, Bork’Throrp, Farnir, Michelangelo and Ooo’ Klucky! Yes, who can forget about good ol’ Ooo’ Klucky, the half- orc – half- robot- chicken with his tendency to suicide by self- destruct, causing a tremendous massive explosion. Alas, all his attempts to achieve that usually end up in vain…

Various bugs and missing voice lines are presented in the game, but given its current status, it is to be expected. We’ll just have to wait for the release of the Blizzard PC mini classics, where hopefully, our purchased machine won’t be colored in shit- black or tender yellow- green vomit nuance!

Overall, the game is pretty entertaining and the “adventure” title suits it well in terms of abstraction. Thrall’s quest to unite the orcish clans takes him to various different places and puts him in many interesting situations, like stealing a gryphon’s egg, escaping from the belly of a dragon after being swallowed, ransacking an ancient crypt and so on! Characters with unique personalities and fairly easy puzzles might just be your thing, especially if you are new to adventure games as a whole! That’s the thing about this game, isn’t it? There aren’t all that many options regarding the puzzles that must be solved, so you are bound to find a solution in no time! No bullshit, no butterflies causing rain clouds in another time and space! Just orcs having trouble dealing with strong alcohol! In the end, as a kid from the 90s, I truly enjoyed the nostalgic feeling that the game gave me. I truly regret the fact that “Warcraft Adventures: Lord of the Clans” was never released. I wonder what kind of impact would it have had on me, if I played it as a child?

Kokage no Densetsu ~Yoko Scroll [H] Action Game~ – Bizarre, disturbing, brutal, yet fairly fun! Do you actually feel sorry for the female ninja?

Kokage

“The Legend of Kage” for the NES was one of the first titles that I tried and played for the system, along with “Super Mario Bros.”, “Galaxian”, “Duck Hunt” and many others. Suffice to say, the game was not a good pick for me, given the fact that I had relatively low amount of experience with video games back then. Both the pace and the mechanics were too much for me to handle, so I would usually just sit back and watch my brother play it. Even though I managed to eventually get the hang of it, I still find myself having trouble, what with the enemies poppin’ up all over the place and potentially killing you in a matter of seconds. I would say that RNG might have an impact on the gameplay, but overall, good reaction time and careful movement are the key elements for success. Anyways…

“Kokage no Densetsu” is a game that I stumbled upon during my years at University. The title is supposed to be a take on the “Legend of Kage” , potentially “Demon Sword” too ( Can’t say for sure since I haven’t seen or played the game, really…), in a Ryona- style. The main character, Kokage, is a female ninja, who sets on a path to avenge her clan, who was obliterated by a rival one, as seen in the intro scene. The game is a platformer with five stages, wherein your performance is based on killing enemies and collecting gold pieces [?]. The game features pretty brutal scenes of torture, rape and murder, all in all in pretty good graphics. Still, I would not recommend this game, unless you have the guts for it. Me? I don’t get disturbed by lots of things, let alone video games. Like, come on!

Legend of Kokage DONE!

The difficulty of this game is pretty average and the playtime is quite short. If you take your time, the stages are quite easy to handle. The bosses in this game are not too tough and if you manage to get to them with all your hits intact, you can pretty much tank most of their attacks. Items that recover HP and various weapons can be found all over the place, but honestly, your default weapon is pretty much the best. Unless you wish to be restricted in terms of attack speed and range or if you just wanna have fun-fun, then there’s no harm in picking them. Each stage has its own theme, ranging from forest and river side to a ransacked village and imperial palace. From all these, I really like the village one mostly. It feels like the stage that was done just the right way. In terms of actual level design, the platforming segments do feel a bit bland and boring. Still, for how short the game is, once you learn how to breeze through everything, the game feels pretty fun. At least when it comes to the actual gameplay, that is. The main dish here really are the CGs/Scenes that you can unlock, which adds to the replay value in a sense that you would want to end the game various times with different score that fits the requirement for each piece.

There is a pretty fun mini-game that you can unlock with a certain score.

You also get to fight Raphael from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” and losing to him results in a scene involving anal fisting, which is all I could ever ask for in my life…

I would honestly give this game 8 out of 10, with me averting my eyes from things that I should not. [?] sorry