AV Super Real Pachinko [NES] – The portable clacking (beeping) hell machines

pachink

I do wonder… Would someone who plays real pachinko machines rather prefer a game like this to the real thing? Is one’s personal hell a clacking metal balls that could drive you suicidal or beeping chiptunes that make you wanna poke your eyes out? Sorry, I’m not a big fan of pachinko and I really can’t see the appeal of it. Maybe I need to try it once for real in my life so I can have some actual experience, but honestly… Is watching balls drop in real life all that different to watching them do the same in a video game? Aren’t you in both places put to just sit idly and watch? Well, you get to pay for the balls and touch them in real life. How can you miss on that excitement?

“AV Super Real Pachinko” is a pachinko simulator game, believe it or not! There are three types of machines that you can play, each with their own different layouts. I’m gonna say this right off the bat, just do the MADBOY machine! It’s the one where you can score a jackpot (?) way more often and it’s easier to chain it? I have no idea what am I talking about, really… Sometimes a colored ball drops, which, if it enters a pocket (?), you get to play a bonus card game, where you have to flip a card that matches the one shown at the top. If you are successful, you get a… power- up? You can activate those, but I have no idea how do they actually affect the game. I think the second one from top- bottom activates the jackpot thing right away, while the others… I have no idea! I haven’t noticed any actual changes to the game while they were in effect. Also, I can’t seem to activate that one power- up, the second one from bottom- top. Do I need to stack it? Is it just a permanent, passive stat? I’ve tried it on all machines and during their jackpot segments, but no banana!

Every time you cross the 1000th balls threshold, you get to see some art of nude ladies. If you want to get one quickly at the start, just purchase the number of balls closest to 1000, which I think is 875? There are only four ladies that you can see, I think. I’ve crossed the 1000th milestone more than twenty times and no other girls popped- up, so I assume that’s all this game has to offer. Can some of the power- ups grant you access to additional girls? I doubt it, honestly. I’ve played other AV games in the series, with art from the same person and there are usually only a few pieces per game.

I think it’s impossible to lose in this game. Maybe you can softlock yourself if you lose the balls on purpose. For that to be possible, one would need to quit the pachinko machine once they put the balls in, before they reach any potential pockets and reward you with additional balls. [?] Losing all your available balls the game can give you at the start could be quite a pain to achieve, but I believe it’s possible, just not very fun to do and honestly… why would you? Leaving the machine per each few balls would be a bigger pain in the ass than just sitting idle while holding the A button, with every now and then adjusting the spring settings???

Hell does not need to be more hellish than it is…

When you win the maximum amount of balls, which seems to always round up to 9012, you get your payment and the game sends you back to the title screen. Well… I’m not really surprised… nor disappointed… Just really glad that I am done with this one!

Girl’s control [MSX] + [FDS] – Get shot or look at pixel buttocks.

girls control

“Girl’s Control” is a SHMUP that was released for the MSX and also for the Famicom Disk System under the name “Bishoujo Control”. Both games are quite different in various aspects, though they both share one thing in common, that being is that they are very awful games. I’m no master when it comes to SHMUPS, but I’ve had experience with enough games of that genre to know that “Girl’s control” isn’t something you want to put in your breakfast cereal.

Let’s look at the MSX version first. Given that you are running the game on MSX2+, you’ll be treated to a short slide show that depicts young girls being taken hostages by space men? [?]  I really like the outfits they’ve given the girls in this game. They are pretty charming and to certain extend silly, as all space outfits should be. Then you get treated to another intro, this time animated, of what I assume is the main heroine preparing her space ship for a take off. I’m not very knowledgeable of the MSX limits, but I think that the animation of this intro was pretty sweet. You get treated to the title screen afterwards, which again, is different, depending on if you are using MSX2+ or not. MSX2+ has the main character on the title screen, while MSX2 just shows her ship.

Off to liberate the space girls! The first thing that one might notice, is how chaotic the enemies are. While they have patterns to their movement and dedicated spawn points, it’s all down to RNG regarding which type of enemy is spawning and when do they fire their bullets at you. Enemies tend to cover pretty much the whole level area, so there isn’t any safe spot whatsoever. You can move freely with your ship as well, but I doubt that anyone would want to move away from the bottom side. One good reason for that is because of the damage amount that you take from sources. Your ship has the maximum amount of 100 Energy. You lose 10 for getting shot at and whopping 50 IF you collide with an enemy. What worked for me was staying in the center most of the time and just constantly shoot. Usually, enemies just straight fly into your bullets, so there is no need to move around that much, let alone pursue enemies. You’ll find yourself moving to the side often to either dodge bullets or avoid an enemy crushing into you. Something that I hate about this game is when an enemy is right above you and they decide to shoot. You have pretty much no time whatsoever to dodge the bullet, so you have to take the shot. That’s so lame…

Here’s the main gimmick of this game. Along with the enemy spacecraft, there are also flying letters, which you can shoot and in return, they can also shoot you! Truly, the eternal anger of the alphabet knows no bounds! Upon shooting those letters, a picture will start building on the right side of the level, showing one of the girls that you are rescuing, I guess… Shoot enough letters to fill in the picture and the girl will then undress for her medical space exam. No space pilots are allowed below C- cups! Now, there is also a chance that you might miss a letter or two, that’s no big deal! Yeah, sometimes it looks weird if that letter was for the piece that was part of the girl’s head, but hey! I’m OK with that. Weirdly enough, maybe even to a certain extend preferably, but let’s not get too crazy now! After you go through ten levels, the game sends you back to the levels you missed letters on, so you can properly finish each picture. Then the game ends, everyone is happy and they go for space ice cream.

There are two items in the games that you can SHOOT! That’s right! In this game, you shoot to consume! An energy tank that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT DOES and a red phallic thing that erases all progress you’ve done on the picture. Good thing the second one only sticks to the sides of the levels, which also happen to be the most deadly ones, given that enemies tend to respawn there and shoot a whole lot. You get continues for this game, but it’s one life game over. Doing no continue run of this game was quite the challenge for me. Not all that fun, but quite satisfying… Also, on levels six and nine, enemies don’t do damage to you with their shots. They can still collide with you though, but overall, you are free from harm. Good levels to stock on max energy if you are patient enough. I think you can also restore small amounts of energy by just shooting enemies, but it’s not near as efficient as just shooting an energy tank.

Girl's Control MSX DONE!

So how does the FDS version holds up…?

Gimmick remains. Shoot letter, which are now just panels build pictures of sexy girls. Letters/panels no longer shoot at you though. You also don’t have to shoot all of the letters/panels, but missing a certain amount would result in you having to repeat the level. The game no longer returns you to previous stages to fill in the pictures. Instead, it just ends after stage twelve, displays bland ending screen and loops from the first stage.

The girls now gradually undress as the stages go. Sometimes, after a stage is being completed, another girl with green hair shows up and undresses, with her clothes dropping by as the game progresses. Sometimes the same scene can occur twice. Is it based on how well you did in a stage? Maybe. Is this the girl the main character? The FDS version of the girl with red hair from the MSX one? A cousin? Little sister? I have so many questions to so many trivial and unimportant things and I would like NO ANSWERS! Sometimes, dreaming is all you need, really!

Enemies are still in their reign of chaos, still shoot right near above you, so you can have as little chance of survival as possible and I still find that to be pretty lame. This time it’s a one shot death though! You can get extra 1-ups by racking up enough points though! There are at least actual power-ups that you need to COLLECT! They still shoot you, so caution is advised! The bananas give you a laser that does miracles in a line! The rice ball [?] gives you shield that absorbs all damage taken for a period of time. This one is the power-up that completely breaks the game, along with another one – Shooting an UFO gives you a fat, slow bullet, which you can control. Given that the respawn point of most enemies is at the top of the screen, sending this bad fat boy all the way up is a pleasurable experience beyond anything I’ve ever played in a SHMUP game. That’s it. The only fun out of this game is that I can cheese through the barrage of enemies with my shield of immortality and obliterate everything with my stolen alien technology.

Sometimes a bird with an apple flies by, which serves as the red phallic thing from the MSX game. But it also changes the picture sometimes, like it warps you a level ahead? Speaking of levels, you tend to warp a whole lot in this game and I think level two only shows up on the first loop after you beat the game? Oh wait, I forgot to mention the most crucial thing about this game.

Your ship is a penis and you shoot semen.

Bishoujo Control FDS DONE!

BONUS TIME!

Here’s me getting the max score of “Bishoujo Control”. It leads to score reset and me wasting one, maybe two hours of my life. I can’t remember and I do not want to…

I love old shitty unlicensed adult games!

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Divine Sealing [Sega Genesis] – Step by step, dress by dress

divine sealing

Before I start working on an entry, I always do a bit of a research on it beforehand. I look up at the general description, the developing company and publisher/s, potential revisions, regional differences and updates. I avoid consulting manuals and I tend to check up completion rate only if I have doubts/think that I’ve done everything the game had to offer me.

What attracted me to try out “Divine Sealing” was mainly the fact that it was unlicensed game for the Sega Genesis, a console I am not very familiar with. I really do love bootlegs and unlicensed titles, probably because deep down inside me, I’ve always looked up after that which is cast away by the major human standard of quality. Maybe I feel like I’ve been given the same treatment through all the hardship I’ve went in my life, but that’s probably one heck of a big lie that I am trying to live up to as a truth. There are good and bad sides to everything, be it either people, games or whatever. Am I trying to prove this to myself by picking those kinds of games? What a dumb way of doing it! Maybe I already did and I’m trying to further solidify my statement and make it a grand part of my life? Well sir, that’s it! Also, I read that the game contains erotic themes… Oh, yeah… “Divine Sealing”… The game… Right!

After acquiring the correct ROM, I load it up via an emulator. The game shows up, the title screen shines before my glasses in the dark room, the LR19 magic is ’bout to happen! I find no further options on the screen and every button seems to start the game right away. I see a planet, which I assume is Earth, given its watery- blue color hue. There is text in Japanese, but due to my limited knowledge of the language, I can make very little of it. At a certain point, the game finally starts… YOU ARE A SPACE FIGHTER SHIP!!!

Divine Sealing Done DONE!

First of all, I should mention that during my research, I was spoiled about the length of the game. Regardless, I don’t feel very confident about my skills when it comes to SHMUPS! Few seconds into the game, I try the controls. I find that I am able to only move around and shoot. However, what I do regarding the shooting, is that I TAP the button constantly, rather than holding it. It’s a habit that I’ve carried over from playing a lot a certain OTHER game of the same genre. A little later I realize that not only holding down the button does a favor for my finger, it also makes dealing with incoming enemies way, way more easier. If anything, it was the intended way of playing the game “correctly”, if one is to have any sort of fun with it.

A little later into the game, I receive my first death, though I could not properly identify the case. Enemies keep swarming all over the screen and the background is kind of in the way. [Kinda!?! You just wait until later…] I eventually manage to reach the boss of the stage. What a rude guy! I’ve never [?] seen a boss lunge directly at you at the very start. The unexpected course of action from its side cause me to panic and… RAM RIGHT AT IT! However, further into the battle, I realize that the boss patterns are fairly basic and taking cover in the lower left corner of the screen is a good, safe place, as the damn thing rarely moves over there.

The battle does not last for too long, wherein I eventually find myself victorious. A lady with blue hair appears on the screen, which I assume is there to thank me for defeating the boss. I guess the girls in the game are made with the idea of looking somehow relevant to the planets that you save. [???] That’s it, as long as you follow mythological stereotypes and the code of all- around anime hair color! Anyways, I am awarded with a strip show for all my work and I am quite amused by the girl’s facial expressions, as more and more of her clothes hit the floor.

The second level introduces new enemies and at that point, I start to realize how similar the game feels to “Star Force”. I am having trouble getting used to the new enemies and I lose a lot of lives. However, I finally notice that the case for most of my deaths are the little raisin- looking enemies, who tend to chase you around, trying to collide with your ship. Losing lives is rather unfortunate, as in this game, you lose all your power- ups as well. Upgrading your ship is solely based on points, as actual power- ups are not presented anywhere in the game. As far as power- ups go though, the upgrade only does work on your shot type and damage output. Still, being underpowered puts you in a situation where it’s harder to get back on your feet, especially in later levels. Take also into consideration that score provides you with extra lives per each upgrade that you receive! As I reach the second boss of the game, I move away, with the intuition that something similar to the first boss might occur yet again. I was right! The second boss is honestly pretty much the same as the first one in terms of patterns, but rather than moving around, it just teleports instantly on the screen, without any animation or warning, whatsoever. How nice…

Despite losing a few lives in the battle, I managed to prevail! The second girl shows up and I find her to be pretty cute and sexy, unlike the first one. Alright, hands down, the second girl is the best as a whole! Something, something, strip show and I lose my last life on the next stage. I restart the game, in attempt to do a 1cc again!

Divine Sealing DONE!

The next run goes a little bit better. While I’m still dying a lot to the raisins, I manage to memorize their spawn points and I find out that it’s easier to deal with them by staying at the bottom of the screen and shooting while moving. That way most of them will die, while those who reach you will fly behind you and get despawned. OH, I AM SUCH A CLEVER- TRICKY TRICK PERSON! Sadly, you cannot always hang at the bottom of the screen. The enemies tend to cover pretty much every spot on the screen, so you need to put in some effort to dodge here and there. The shooting enemies are not all that scary, the biggest issue in this game is to avoid deaths caused by colliding into most of the flying, suicidal enemies!

Once I manage to get back to the third level, this time I am able to deal better with everything on the screen that wants me death. I reach the third boss, who yet again, resembles a similar attack pattern to the first two. It’s avoid the shield and shoot the eyeball game, but because I keep hiding in the down- left corner and move slowly to avoid its bullets, the boss is gone in no time! A girl in a jump suit appears to fuel my ship, provide me with matchboxes or gum instead of what little change she owns me and also, strip. Thanks, gas station worker on MARS! [?]

What I love about the fourth level is the fact that due to the flashy background, enemy projectiles are really hard to spot on. That being said, I had a Game Over around the middle of the stage, but this time I choose to continue, rather than restart. I wanted to do a bit of scouting and practicing, before I attempt another 1CC run. Eventually, I reach the fourth boss, who is rather different this time! Instead of moving around too much, the guy tends to be more of the stationary, shooting type. Alas, it’s not all that impressive of a shooting and he gets down pretty easily. A chick in armor shows up and strips down, because as we all know, in the age of space travel, no one will take you seriously during a conversation where you are dressed as a kettle!

On the next and FINAL stage, I get another game over, but I choose to continue, again. Honestly, I do not have much to say about this stage. It’s like the third stage, where everything got recycled from the first two, but just in larger quantity, along with no flashy background. Thank God! As always, the boss feels and moves in similar patterns that the first three bosses showed me. The fight is hilariously easy… A really sexy lady in a really sex outfit shows afterwards and starts doing really sexy poses, and then the game ends. I hit the restart button yet again…

Surprisingly, the third run was actually the 1CC! I was really not expecting it! For one thing, I managed to finish the first level without a single death! Being powered up really helps you acquire more points and clear the screens way more easily! I got to power level 2 [or 3?], but I died once to the boss on the second stage! THAT INSTANT TELEPORTATION IS SO RUDE! The rest of the game went by smoothly, wherein’ I managed to cover up for my deaths with the constant lives that I obtained through score, dodging raisins the right way and… yeah. In the fourth stage, it helps to take notice of shooting enemies and their projectiles, while dropping down the focus on most enemy fliers who try to collide with you. It’s not the best strategy ever, but it certainly helped me pull through, with only three lives lost… Anyways, I do an ending check up, take a screenshots and DONE!

The music in this game is fairly decent. The gameplay – Not all that much! It’s honestly a pretty easy game, especially once you go through all the levels and start to understand how poor of a job recycling does for the overall enhancement of a video game.

I give this game a decent strip, an open mouth and eyes tight shut. Then, the cherry blossoms bloom.